treadmill thoughts

this is not a post about my thoughts on treadmills, but rather a post about the thoughts i have while i am on my treadmill. i have taken some time away from the treadmill (about a year or so to be more specific) and am just now finding the desire to and some joy in revisiting it.

i sometimes wonder if i am the only one who is always tired and yet finds it so difficult to sleep. i am not pregnant, just busy with so much on my mind it keeps we awake for hours in the wee hours of the morning. and so i have started to work out those mental overloads on the treadmill .

i also often wonder if i am the only one who cries while i am on the treadmill. like pretty much every time i am on it. maybe it is the music that makes me cry. maybe, but it is mostly just me working out my thoughts i think.

getting back on the treadmill started with a resolution. i never make resolutions, just like i never go on diets or weigh myself. those things just don't interest me. and diets don't work. i just try to be healthy. i fail at that a lot, but i try. (keep in mind that my idea of healthy might be very different than yours!) lately, i have found the need to make a resolution or goal to be healthy. everyday. ok, most days.

i am turning 35 tomorrow. that isn't old by any means, but it is just hard to believe i am turning 35. and in 2 years i will be 37. my mom was 37 when she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had her left breast removed. i don't remember a whole lot about that time. i was at girls camp when it all happened. my dad found the lump while he was doing a 'self breast exam' on my mom. she went to the dr., they did a biopsy and found it to be cancerous. she had her breast removed. all while i was at girls camp.

i do remember one time, it couldn't have been long after the surgery because the staples were still in her chest, when i was in the bathroom with my mom. there was a big mirror covering one of the bathroom walls. she wanted to show me what had happened, i guess. she stood with her top off in front of the mirror and started crying. i was really sad then, but i didn't understand. now i do. now i cry with her, but i didn't then. i was 12. in 2 years, rian will be 12.

i loved my mom very much before i became a mother. once rian was born, i loved my mom in a whole new way. now that i am a mother of 5, i love and appreciate and admire and miss her more than there are words to say. i pray that i will give to my children what she gave to me. more love than a child could dream of. a kind of love that goes so deep into your soul that you NEVER doubt it. it makes you who you are. it is part of every good thing about you. a kind of love that stays with you even though that person has been physically gone for more than 16 years. the kind of love you can feel through the veil. oh, how i pray that i can be that kind of mother and give that kind of love.

so i make a resolution. to be healthy. so i can be around for a very, very long time. to be healthy so that i can be the very best mom that my children deserve. i know that my children are His. and that He has entrusted them to me. to love and teach them how to return to Him. and i know that we can be together forever and i know that i will see my mom again.

i try to think 'how do i want to live if i only have as much time with those i love as she did'? i try to think that everyday. there are, of coarse, days where i fail miserably. as i am sure my mom did. even she wasn't perfect. but i want the good days to outnumber the bad. and i want the great days to outnumber the good.

physical health is just a small part of that, i know. my mom was a healthy person. it is that inner health and beauty that i want. the spiritual strength. the ability to touch lives like she did. to share her Saviors love just by the way she lived and treated people. i want to be like her. so that when i see her again, i can tell her all the things i never knew back then. and i want my life to show her what her love and example means to me.

i want to be the best wife i can be. the best mother. the best sister. the best friend. the best person i can be. like she was... how she did it all, i do not know! but i am going to do my very best. and when i fail, i am not going to give up. she never did.

our temple sealing in oakland, ca.

me, my mom & my sister, ang in mt. shasta, ca.